ARE YOU FROM PLANET INFJ?

Do you have the weirdest, wonderfulness personality type and long to be understood and even to understand yourself, explain yourself, get yourself into balance, have loving relationships and advance your career? If so, you are not alone and this is your guide.

The guide is for all Planet INFJ dwellers, whatever your background, gender or age, especially those of you who seek to improve your lives in some way and become happier, healthier and more successful people. It is here to help you soar.

The guide is special and unique - it is only for INFJs. It is specially and uniquely written by INFJs who have found how to navigate the INFJ planet and bring out their gifts and strengths to live, love and work in the world in a meaningful, happy way. Its focus is on those special, unique people: the INFJs, not the people from other places in space.

BEING AN INFJ CHILD GROWING UP ON AN ALIEN PLANET. MY STORY.

I landed on planet INFJ when I was born. I didn't know it then nor realise that I was a rare breed, living on a planet with only a few inhabitants who spoke a language that left the occupants of other more populated lands mystified or thinking of us as weird, alien, misfits.

As I grew up it became more and more obvious to me that this was the case: that what I took for granted others frowned upon; what I valued others dismissed; and what I perceived, others thought was a figment of my (supposedly) over-developed imagination. Sadly, I had no planetary guide to show me which rocks to avoid or which stars to follow as my family did not inhabit the same planet, and my mother declared to my sister that I was an oddball.

I felt lonely and misunderstood and found that my ways of doing things were not respected or were repeatedly undermined or even ignored. My inner light dimmed but this little INFJ girl didn't know why at the time and just wanted to go outside on her own to play with her make-believe characters and dance in nearby woods dressed in a fairy costume, if only she had one. Apparently, I wasn't very "sensible".

"OVER SENSITIVE", "TOO EMOTIONAL" OR "IMAGINING THINGS".

As I got older I noticed that my ideas and insights about people and feelings were readily discarded too. Why was I trivialised as being "over sensitive', "too emotional" or "imagining things" when all I was doing was explaining my observations and the emotions I had felt in others? I could detect the ambience in a room, the sadness of a person sitting next to me, or the pain of a tree as it was cut down. It seemed natural to me, but to others my empathy was ridiculous or far-fetched. Were they robots on other planets?

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TOUGHEN UP PRINCESS.

Greater distances between myself and others arose because I also knew when people were lying to me and I detected evil strains in my neighbourhood that others were ignorant of or didn't care about. Just because I sensed nuances that others missed didn't mean I was making them up. I certainly cared about what I noticed, I cared a lot, about a lot. Too much according to those around me, as I was repeatedly told to "toughen up Princess". Do Princes from Planet INFJ get told to toughen up too? Probably even more so.

HOW THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU.

If you are trying to find the career that is the best match for you, our successful INFJ Planet dwellers will shower you with the many careers in which an INFJ may excel.

If you want to find your love match or soulmate, we share our secrets for happy and fulfilling relationships, even with types from different spheres. Yes, two opposing forces can attract each other and live together happily when we know how.

If you want to be taken seriously at a crucial meeting at work or in a significant job interview, the communication bridge building techniques we describe can be of great value and increase your opportunity to be heard and respected by others.

The book does acknowledge that being a healthy, happy INFJ is not always an easy journey. Sometimes we need sophisticated, strong mountaineering gear to keep us well and safe from the lurking downsides and the dangerous crevasses into which we may fall.

DON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ ON THE INTERNET.

Working with people with some form of problem, impediment or tragedy may be ideal for INFJs, but not necessarily. Despite what you might read on the Internet, it is only one option. It is certainly a good one for some and typical of the type of people-focused work that many of us do. Common careers for INFJs are said to be counselling, psychology, healthcare, teaching, religious leadership, disability advocacy and the like. It's all to do with people, apparently.

However, working with people as a career choice might be wrong for some on Planet INFJ. In contrast, choosing not to work with people could be a good career move. It all depends.

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BE READY TO FLEE THE CAREER PIGEONHOLE.

People with a Thinking preference would seldom expect people with a Feeling preference to be their equal in the areas of science or mathematics and they wouldn't expect INFJs to move into a science career.

But, are you REALLY bad at science? Niels Bohr, a famous physicist, is said to have been an INFJ. He is held in high esteem amongst the scientific community because he founded the modern understanding of the structure of the atom. He didn't do the atom experiments, but made sense of the numbers coming out of them and interpreted their results.

What he did was astounding, revolutionary and imaginative. He received the Nobel Prize in Physics.

ARE YOU ONE OF THE TINY NUMBER OF INFJS WHO CAN BREAK FREE FROM A STRESSFUL JOB?

Most INFJs just put up with a bad, stressful or mundane job. However, there are a significant and growing number of us who do take action and break free.

"Being a dutiful son, who didn't know he was a prince from Planet INFJ at the time, he gained his accounting qualifications. The only problem was every night when he got home he was exhausted, torn apart by the stress of being immersed in complex facts and figures in which he had no interest".

HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT MEANING OR PURPOSE?

A role title does not determine the suitability of a career for an INFJ. It may not matter whether we are a psychologist or a geologist, a lyricist or a scientist. What matters more is whether we find meaning in what we do. If a job is meaningless we inevitably find it harder to stay focused and motivated. Meaningless work can kill the souls of INFJs (more so than many other types).

EVER BEEN STUCK IN STIFLING WORKING CONDITIONS?

The need to be able to live and work according to my own personal values is important to me. I am stressed working for leaders who are not ethical or hold values which undermine or contradict my own. I need to be with people with high levels of integrity and who endorse compassionate, honest and consistent people values. Most INFJs, as far as I can ascertain, do not find it easy to work with cranky bully bosses, or people who cheat on their customers, or employers who don't value or develop their people. My value system is my lifeblood. I could not imagine being in a job that was not congruent with my personal values any more, but I learnt that the hard way.

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PEACE AND QUIET PLEASE!

Imagine this - I am in my dream bubble working for a passionate cause, bringing about long-term change in the world, having a profoundly positive impact on poor people, inspiring others to do the same and putting an end to suffering - only to find out I've been given an open-plan office to work in. My bubble bursts.

Does any Introvert achieve their potential in an open plan office? I can't imagine so. I presume open plan offices were designed by Extraverts or people with a Thinking preference who didn't factor in the impact on people. I loathe and resent them. They are banned on Planet INFJ.

SQUARE PEG? MEET ROUND HOLE.

I still chuckle at the idea that when I was growing up I wanted to be a police officer. Fortunately, I didn't grow tall enough as I would have been traumatised by the violent aspects of it, the grilling by authoritarian figures, having to be an expert witness, and the criminals' distressed and angry emotions. However, to be in forensics piecing all the bits of evidence together, and finding the missing link that solves the mystery, that does appeal to me. One career, many facets - it is finding the right facet that matters.

WRONGLY ACCEPTING THE CONTEXT IN WHICH OUR CAREER IS SET

No one told me when I completed school or university that running my own business was an option for me. However, this is where I have landed and being the boss of my own business is the perfect destination for me. We must realise just what is possible for us. It is so good for me because I can run it my way - the INFJ way. I can follow my own INFJ values – kindness, generosity and authenticity. I can choose who I work with – considerate, self-aware, intelligent people. I can determine the standards of work – high quality. And I can decide whom I help – the deserving – and how – by using my intuition. How good is that for an INFJ?

The search for love, romance and compatibility fuels a crucial drive for many on Planet INFJ. Their dreams of being the fortunate ones who form lasting, happy relationships with their ideal love matches can be a significant component of their imagined futures.

HOW DO A LUCKY FEW INFJS FIND ROMANCE ONLY, IN SOME CASES, TO LOSE IT?

One thing I know INFJs can crave for and need is romance, if we can get it. Romance feeds the nucleus around which many of our relationships pivot, and for some it is almost as important as being understood and appreciated. Romance can bring an exciting fuel to our relationships in a deeply connecting, intimate way. Bring it on! I love romantic moments and having an abundance of them delights me thoroughly.

A minority of fortunate INFJs find romance in sufficient quantities to be sustained for years by its tingling softness and their hearts hum with love because of it. They build enduring partnerships on its foundation, and stay together well beyond their first dreamlike dates or the happy celebrations of a second or third wedding anniversary.

For others, romance is found but only fleetingly. They light up like tall candle flames warming the dark, until suddenly the light goes out and they are left shattered and disillusioned by the increasing chill hovering over them.

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WORKPLACE SEX, INTIMATE ROMANCE OR SIMPLE HARMONY - WHAT'S OUR DESIRE?

Other types so often misunderstand our intent and think wanting more romance means we are seeking more sexual relationships. They don't seem able to finely differentiate between romance and other sensual pleasures. I can.

Do I need more romance at work? No, not if it means sex, but yes, if it means kindly caring. I'm not asking for a romantic workplace, nor for sex on the boardroom table. Kind gestures though, are always welcome.

I want to work in a pleasant environment within a harmonious community, and, if you want to put flowers on my desk and send me a kind thank you letter explaining in a sincere, specific way how you have benefitted from my work, then I will feel elated.

LOOKING IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES FOR A SOULMATE: MISSING OUT OR FALLING OUT.

If we are to find our soulmates do we know the people we are most compatible with and do we know where to find them?

We have a choice. We can mix and mingle with other types to allow the aliveness and challenge of different experiences and perspectives to bring us to a point of wholeness.

Or we can seek out those who are most like us so we form profound bonds of mutual respect and understanding and are comforted by the embrace of acceptance as the sun rises each day.

The ability to be with a soulmate and to feel connected, to feel understood at a deep and meaningful level, and to share the same values, can be electrifying.

However, there is a danger that we might fail to identify a soulmate when she or he is there. It is possible to walk right on by and not realise our soulmate was standing next to us in the supermarket queue or at the yoga class, because we don't really know what we are looking for and we didn't bother to speak to them.

The idea of a soulmate can be a mythical figure with fuzzy edges and no clearly defined attributes. We will just know, apparently, but we don't always and so we miss out. Sometimes we need to be clear about the characteristics of our desired soulmate and avoid thinking she or he will magically materialise without our intervention.

It is the same with romance. Do we mistakenly expect to be immediately turned on and attracted to people in order to believe they will provide us with a loving and romantic relationship; or do we confuse romance with lust so we fall out once the hotness of sexual attraction fades?

WHY DO INFJ RELATIONSHIPS BREAK DOWN? IS IT BECAUSE WE ARE SO DIFFICULT TO GET ALONG WITH?

Unfortunately, INFJs have a bad reputation for being impossibly tough in the behaviours they expect of their partners, which can make happy long-lasting relationships hard to maintain. Fastidious fault-finding can lead some INFJs to abandon potentially good people, regretfully, especially if they do it without questioning whether it is their own standards which are at fault.

As INFJs we all have normal human failings, why is it therefore that we don't always allow others to have the same? Can our idealism, perfectionistic expectations and critical evaluation of others be why our apparent love matches are unrequited? Yes!

I have communicated with an INFJ who states openly that "no one measures up". Really? Is there no one at all, in the whole world, who is a good enough person? There are so many good people out there.

"Live and let live" is not a commonly supported concept for those on Planet INFJ, but the Princess and I are thinking maybe it should be.

PLEASE DON’T LET ME BE MISUNDERSTOOD.

The problem when people do not understand us is that we can worry that we're going crazy or are weird or inadequate. People can tell us so frequently that we are making things up or that we are wrong or silly, that it's hard to stay strong sometimes and not soak it in. This can be especially true when we don't quickly pick up all the details we are being given and we are ridiculed in the process. Or we make observations that others have missed.

"What are you talking about?" is not an unfamiliar phrase for me to hear, and so is "I don't see why you don't get that" or "I've already explained that" when I ask for a re-explanation. I also know only too well, the response, "Don't be silly Rachel".

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It's not only my words that are misunderstood, I have frequently had my INFJ intentions misconstrued too. My motives have been significantly distorted on several occasions and it used to wound me to be so misrepresented; now it bothers me less. It happens because instead of people thinking, "If an INFJ is doing that it's probably because …", they interpret my actions through their own type filter, "If I did that as an ESFP, it would be because …", and they can be woefully wrong.

WHY IS IT HARD FOR SOME PERSONALITY TYPES TO "GET" INFJS?

Who are the specific types who don't get INFJs and who habitually irritate us and leave us upset?

The answers may be found in "The Communication Wheel", the work of Henry Thompson. Each of the 16 types is allocated one of 16 spokes on a wheel. INFJs, like all the types, have some types closer to them, some further away, and one directly opposite.

The greater the distance from the other person, the greater the probability of Type causing difficulty in communicating.

When you get half-way round The Communication Wheel, you are at the point of greatest communication difficulty, (a distance of eight).

As you continue around The Communication Wheel you get closer to your type and the probability of difficulty decreases.

THE MUCH HATED INFJ HINT, AND WHY IT YIELDS THE KILLER INSTINCT.

We can hint, furtively and sneakily sometimes, and often without self-awareness. It's a habit many of us may have developed without understanding the adverse impacts we create. For example, we may hint about what we feel, think and want.

We hint to be taken to a dreamy dinner, to have the rubbish bins put out, or to let others know we are angry at something that's been said or not done.

A brooding, silently steely, INFJ can put a cold shudder through many an interaction. "Have I done something wrong?" asks the person on the end of the ice dagger. "You should know" the INFJ spits back. "But how can I know if you don't tell me?" comes back a helpless reply. The INFJ sighs.

INFJs will even hint and not directly ask for something which is very precious to them: space and solitude. How can people give us space, if they don't know we need it?

Other types are usually not as good at deciphering people as we often are. They are not mind readers. They are not psychic. They may not even know the INFJ is hinting!

Hinting can cause relationship ruin.

AN INFJ REJECTED AT INTERVIEW? WHY WE SO OFTEN MISS OUT ON THE JOB.

If INFJs feel downhearted about themselves because of regular misunderstandings how can we expect them to be skilled at selling their strengths and skills at job interviews? How many job interviews have been lost by INFJs for this reason?

I recently received a request from an INFJ for coaching because he couldn't convince his interview panel that his creativity will be of benefit. It can be hard to explain the value of being an introverted intuitive to an interview panel when it has been frequently undermined elsewhere.

Being able to identify our strengths is made all the harder when they are not acknowledged by anyone else.

HOW SELF-UNDERSTANDING STOPS US GOING OFF THE RAILS. SPOILER ALERT: INFJS OFTEN FALL VICTIM TO THEIR LIMITED SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

It we are aware of how our communication style impacts on others, we can prevent many communication breakdowns from occurring and stop ourselves from becoming upset when our worlds collide. Instead, we can say to ourselves, "Ah, if I had said it this way …. maybe they would have understood more easily".

We have an additional difficulty in that our introverted intuitive (Ni) processing can be out of our consciousness and, therefore, difficult to understand or explain. This makes our primary journey one of self-understanding.

To me, self-understanding and self-acceptance are far more important than anyone else understanding me, although I was rapt last night when my husband described my intuitive skills as superb. Wow! Recognition. The heart beats faster.

Self-acceptance and acceptance of others is the essential journey for us all on Planet INFJ.

A SUCCESSFUL INFJ TRAVEL TIP - GIFT SENSATES THE RULES TO NAVIGATE THROUGH FOREIGN TERRITORY.

INFJs spend considerable time communicating with Sensates as they comprise about 75% of the population. Yes, Sensates are everywhere! The Princess has just reminded me that, of course, there are eight types of Sensates and I am describing generalisations here. It is true, an ESFP is not identical to an ESTJ or an ISFJ, but there are certain features that pertain to many of them.

In my long-standing acquaintance with Sensing types, the INFJ's ambiguity, lack of exact wording, embellishments, reliance on big picture concepts, in fact almost everything about our speech and imagination, can be a key cause of communication breakdown and frustration.

Isabel Myers Briggs stated, "They [Sensing types] will not skim in reading, and they hate to have people skim in conversation. Believing that matters inferred are not as reliable as matters explicitly stated, they are annoyed when you leave things to their imagination. iNtuitives are often annoyed - if not actually bored - when you do not [leave it to their imagination]".

Such differences are displayed in my MBTI workshops. For example, in one task I ask the iNtuitives to instruct the Sensates on how to draw a picture, sight unseen.

The drawings produced seldom look anything like the original, if the Sensates can draw anything that is. The iNtuitives nearly always forget to give any dimensions, and often begin with a general description.

One lady said to her Sensate as her opening instruction, "It is a lovely sunny day on the golf course". The Sensate stared at her dumbfounded. Even I could hear that was of no help! How does one begin to draw that? The Sensate would have found it easier had she been told "You'll be drawing a picture which is 17 cm long and 10 cm high. On the edge of the picture is a white 1cm wide border all the way round. Inside is …".

1. Are your INFJ ideas dismissed?
2. Do you find it hard to explain your value?
3. Are you misunderstood on a regular basis?
4. Do you find yourself in conflict or being ignored or undermined?

You are not alone!